Behold the Nameanator!


‘Because the name is the thing,’ he said in his shy husky voice, ‘and the truename is the true thing. ‘To speak the name is to control the thing’ - The Rule of Names

We were playing the choose a mutant power game the other day. Someone chose Magento Magnetic powers (I usually choose that one). Someone else chose Quick Speed and another Healing Acceleration (wolverine). I decided this time I was going to be super subtle and pick something different. I chose Mutant Naming Powers.

When I exercise my Mutant Naming Powers those things that become named have those names as if it has always been that way - Its like a reverse amnesia sorta thing.
Auckland International Airport would be known as ‘Mos Eisley’, with everyone North of the Harbour Bridge referred to by the collective noun ‘Wildlings’. The Tron will still continue being called the Tron - people will just forget that it ever was called that sheep shagger title ‘Hamilton’.
Queen Street they would discover was actually Prince Tui Teka street. ‘Of course its Prince Tui Teka street’ they would say ‘We just forgot - Prince Tui Teka gave us the Ngoi Pewhairangi composed gift that is ‘E I Po’. The idea of naming an important street after some random Queen from a random place like 'England' simply forgotten.


It goes without saying that the cities of Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch would instantly only be known as Tamaki, Poneke (Te Whanganui a Tara) and Otautahi respectively and Wanganui will now be spelt Whanganui - and all numbnuts ex-Mayors will now only know it as Whanganui.
The Beehive will become ‘Thunderdome’ and the area between Lambton Quay and Molesworth Street will be known as ‘Barter Town’. Cuba Street will retain name but ‘Diagon Alley’ can be used as an alternative for the non-muggle community ( and allies ).


John Ballance, Von Tempsky, George Grey and others of a similar ilk will be referred to by the collective noun my mother knew as ‘Those thieving bastards’. Such would be my power that when a person passed one of their statutes - they would immediately think - ‘Why yes of course - there's George Grey - he’s one of those thieving bastards’. Collective nouns can also be enhanced with adjectives giving a more specific emphasis. Tempsky need not be just a ‘thieving bastard’ he could be the more specific ‘murdering thieving bastard’.
The naming power extends to those things like buildings and towns that were named by those things that now have new names and will naturally abbreviate as appropriate. For example instead of Greytown becoming ‘Thieving-Bastard-Town’ it could abbreviate to ‘Bastardville’ or ‘Thiefston’. All such names can of course be alternatives to the Māori place names. ( I’m good like that )
Massey University named after anti-communist farmer William Massey would be change to Emma Goldman Uni or Patrice Lumumba college. Something on the redder side of the colour spectrum. Oh and Otago University would be known as Hogwarts. Its literally looks like the only school in NZ capable of teaching the mystic arts.
Streets with real pretentious names like John F Kennedy Drive ( this is honestly a street in Palmerston North ) would get a more appropriate makeover - ( How about John Campbell drive?). Yeah why not.
John Key would be known by his new name ‘Creepy Fucken Weirdo’, Simon Bridges -’Evil Richie Cunningham’; and Mike Hosking ‘80s boy band reject’.


My Uncle has a saying ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ so I only use my powers for good - to help Balance the Force etc. I do however take requests. Is there anything out there that needs a name? or needs to be renamed? please leave a comment.